22 January 2002 – 10 February 2002
Jason Allardyce is a name that sometimes crops up in the Scottish Media Monitor, but not usually for any good reason. This time, Scotland on Sunday's political editor was busy announcing Wendy Alexander's retirement under the caption: "'Exhausted' Alexander ready to quit cabinet". I suspect this must have been less of an exclusive and more wishful thinking on Jason's part who once wrote about the "feminist minister" versus "family values champion" (Brian Souter) for Scottish editions of The Times. The Daily Record, not so eager to play ball this time round, and more solidly behind the Executive than they were under its previous editor - quickly scotched the rumours. Alex Massie, in The Scotsman, gleefully joined in the Wendy-bashing and waved one of those questionnaires that anyone working in a large organisation would already have seen. The one where you're asked questions like: whether you think the work you're expected to do is reasonable and whether or not you think your achievements are recognised and acknowledged in the workplace, etc. etc… Since civil servants were asked to complete one which had Massie wondering if the "poor lambs" at the Executive might be "cracking up under the strain of misruling the country". Not forgetting "dear wee Wendy", of course, who was apparently: "rushed off her dancing little feet".
The misogynistic rant of John Macleod rattled me in The Herald. "Many must have heard, with a hollow groan, of Labour plans to… create yet more women MPs", he groaned. Macleod was clearly uncomfortable with Labour party chairman, Charles Clarke's efforts to ensure some semblance of "gender parity" in government, describing his efforts as 'menacing'. Macleod's defence for maintaining the status quo began with some bar-room gossip from "academics" who were loathe to put their names to proof "beyond any doubt, that men are far better at reverse-parking than women…" This was information that had to be quickly imparted, "lest the harridans descended". Quite how lacking the ability to put a car in reverse affected the work of female MSPs wasn't explained. But moving swiftly on to a quarterly called Scottish Affairs, Macleod recalled how when they began to feature gender studies, and, "as its standards and psephological usefulness declined, many quietly cancelled their subscriptions". On the efforts of the first female MSPs filling executive posts in the Scottish parliament in 1999, he wrote dryly: "It is tempting to recall their subsequent feats - but one should not intrude on private grief". Macleod's recent, factually incorrect remark over Wendy Alexander's announcement of the imminent repeal of Section 2a (Clause 28) in 1999 served as another example of apparent grief. Macleod went on to malign female politicians, stating: "…women active in a party are not typical of women in society as a whole. Certainly, strange obsessions characterise some political women in the new Scotland. Tricia Marwick, for instance, has become famous for her war against fox-hunting, threatened only by her horror of freemasonry… such interests may confirm a general male prejudice that most female politicians are somewhat unhinged". Speak for yourself Macleod. And the grubby broadsheet you work for! The nakedness of Macleod's warped take on gender issues spoke volumes: "Would it be unkind to wonder if Mr Blair wants more ladies in the house because women are more obedient?" And would it be unkind for me to wonder if The Herald continues to censor liberal opinion in favour of this shite, it will continue to see sales tumble?
Katie Grant's latest rant over a "world gone sex-mad" in the Scottish Daily Mail had her studying Channel 4's Sex And The City for 'messages'. While her 15-year-old daughter watched, and Mrs Grant wrestled with her Catholic guilt over sex, she prepared a convincing argument on why we need more, not less, sex education in schools. "I always leave the room after about five minutes and spend the rest of the half hour feeling like a bad mother. Friends tell me to stop fretting". She should listen to her friends. If she has any, that is. Mrs Grant was quick to point a finger. "In my view, this catalogue of ills can be traced back to the misguided initiative by Scottish health ministers to abandon any talk of abstinence and plump for 'information'." Mrs Grant's opinions are given numerous platforms in the Scottish media. What she paints as a cosy family conundrum is, in fact, a desperate plea for readers and the Scottish Executive to sit up and take notice of more religious propaganda. Despite the fact she is quite entitled to remove her children from sex education classes tomorrow if she really wanted to, she was cynically attempting to influence how sex education was performed in schools. Abstinence is a favourite Catholic catchword forced on anyone, including gays, who fall outside the institution of heterosexual marriage. The success of curbing sexual desire with abstinence by Catholic priests reminds me of a joke someone told me about a trainee priest who was listening to confessions. First a woman stepped into the confessional box and asked: 'What do I get for having sex outside marriage?' The priest looked it up and told her: 'Three hail Marys'. Then a young man stepped in and asked: 'What do I get for looking at indecent pictures?' The priest looked it up and said: 'That will be four hail Marys'. Finally, another woman stepped into the box and asked: 'What is it Father for a blow-job, because I've sinned'. The priest couldn't find it on the list that had been left him, so he drew back the curtain and called over to one of the choirboys: 'What does the Father usually give for a blow-job?' A boy called back: 'A packet of crisps and a Mars bar!' This joke should remind you that Catholic theologians are the last people on Earth to be lecturing us about sex! But Mrs Grant is an obstinate woman. "Back in the classroom, there should be less emphasis on talking about sex itself and more on the fact that, if you are not adult enough to talk about it to a doctor, you are not adult enough to have a sexual partner. It is time for a tougher line to be taken". Banging her drum on the subject of heterosexual marriage in The Scotsman, Mrs Grant wrote: "Promises made in marriage cannot be broken any more than God's promises to mankind can be broken. Just as man sins and damages his relationship with God but God still keeps his promises, so, if one party in a marriage sins or the relationship turns sour, the promises made in marriage should not - indeed cannot - be broken. If they are broken, a shadow is cast over God's relationship with mankind and this is a shadow that no human being should have any part in creating. I hope I have got that right". Such unadulterated tosh inspires me as much as a new album from Donny and Marie Osmond, but still has Scotland on Sunday, The Scotsman, the Scottish Daily Mail and even BBC Scotland queuing! I'm surprised The Herald hasn't been in contact with her!
The mere suggestion that a few more lap-dancing clubs might open; "spreading across the country like a rash" had The Herald rattling out another sex-negative feature for its ageing readership, this time by Lorna Martin. "Going for a thong" included a contribution by Anne Hamilton, a principal policy officer with Glasgow City Council who "regards such 'entertainment' as little more than live pornography, even euphemistic prostitution". Playing the 'kids' card, Hamilton was quoted saying: "Lap dancing is degrading, demeaning, and abusive to women, and I would ask anyone who says otherwise, how they would feel about their daughter doing it or their son paying for it". Writer, Lorna Martin advised that opposition to such clubs was both "vehement and passionate" before caving in to confess that "there is virtually nothing the protestors can do to stop it". Not for the want of trying! Previous efforts by Glasgow's censorial licensing board to object failed and ended up costing taxpayers dearly when they tried to take their case to the House of Lords and with no proper evidence, tried to suggest drinking and lap-dancing led to violence towards women. Anne Hamilton demonstrated the council's efforts to develop its new role of Glasgow's morality police when she was reported expressing concerns that "lap-dancing clubs are increasingly being seen as acceptable entertainment – that there's nothing wrong with a group of men arranging a night out where they pay for women to dance topless or naked for them". Equality was used as a tool to mask her prudery: "…Women should be seen as being equal to men, and not as sexual commodities". But do women not have equality when they are free to hire a male stripper for a hen night? This is exactly the same thing, is it not? And I don't hear Anne Hamilton raising such concerns over the numerous other demeaning and horrible jobs women do, like working long hours in call centres, hospital kitchens or cleaning factory floors and toilets. Yes, women can offer sex for payment. They may very well feel that payment is an altogether simpler transaction than the more complicated demands of emotions, marriage contracts, relationships and demands for social respectability and family stability. Good for them! To deny women the right to choose for themselves is the most sexist thing I've heard.
What's this, are Scotland's broadsheets The Scotsman and The Herald taking a turn for the better? Under its new editor, The Scotsman has recently produced a brief history of men in skirts and Helen Lederer presented an article on labial tidying or 'designer vaginas' although this was unfortunately accompanied by a picture of Eve coyly covering herself with a fig leaf. The Herald's Melanie Reid produced one of the few positive takes on erotica seen in the Scottish press but stopped short of permitting us to eroticise images in the sports pages. Commenting on the remarks made about ice-skaters at the winter Olympics in Utah, she wrote: "I saw in their sensuality nothing you would not see at the ballet, or the barre; that is not performed in Olympic gymnastics… Indeed. I find it offensive that people were offended, because it displays a prurience towards women's bodies which not only sullies sport, by implication it sullies us all".
Old Mother (Joan) Burnie was up to her usual tricks in the Daily Record advising a gay guy whose girlfriend was going out with a guy he had seen in a gay bar. "You speak to him. You tell him you recognise him…", Burnie snapped. She presumed he was "looking for a straight relationship behind which he can hide his real sexuality". And what was that "real sexuality" I wonder? How about bisexual? In which case, perhaps this excuse for an agony aunt would appreciate he just might be capable of being committed to either sex.
It was always going to be a rough ride for any guy writing to Old Mother Burnie for advice on sexual play on the Internet. In this case, a straight guy who liked going into gay chat rooms and being a lesbian, a bored housewife or even "a gay man called 'Gary'," explained: "it's like an addiction I can't stop". "Don't give me that mince", Burnie snapped. "…It's a pretty sick and sorry way to pass the time – especially when it involves sending off your innocent girlfriend's photograph to some stranger who's as kinky as you are". Kinky? On the contrary, I have a lot of sympathy for the minions of gay men and women who are seeking a partner and have to wade through hordes of pleasure-seeking 'marrieds' like this before they find one. If this man is using the Internet as a means to come to terms with his real self, so be it. What is the point of Old Mother Burnie saying: "If you've any sense, you'll unplug your computer and find another 'hobby'." Or making such a hopeless suggestion as: "I have used the names you gave me in the hope that even if you can't stop, those with whom you've been corresponding will recognise you for the worm you are". Like Gay.com users read the Daily Record! If she had any sympathy at all for those on the receiving end of men like this, she would have been better employed educating us on how best to use these services and understanding the challenges they posed. Or perhaps she could make better use of herself justifying to me why lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered are treated much worse than a few fake come-ons by a cyber-wanker and excluded from personal ads in the very newspaper she works for, the Daily Record and its sister paper, the Sunday Mail. The Record's editor, Peter Cox promised me he would look into this blatant discrimination when he took up his post. Indeed, for a short period, gays seeking a partner could sneak their ads in as long as they only suggested they were looking for 'friends'. Now they have been removed altogether. No explanation has so far been given. Does the 21st century mean anything to you lot at Trinity Mirror? Sort it!
CUT IT OUT!
Goodness knows what the Lennox Herald would have thought of the dress-code of some of our clubs, but with a liberal sprinkling of capital letters, they really pushed the boat after some goings-on at the Quay Club in Dumbarton, reporting that "stunned officers got more than they bargained for when several inebriated clubbers became abusive towards them. One even dropped his trousers and EXPOSED himself. As the raid continued, police discovered two DRUNKEN SCHOOLGIRLS and also a woman holding a lump of cannabis. They also found a drunkard wearing filthy work clothes and steel toe-capped boots sleeping in a corner – even though most nightclubs operate a strict dress code".
Interview with Roman Catholic MP David Cairns in the Greenock Telegraph. "Interestingly, he claims to find most clerics 'politically minded' and insists he's never met a Church of Scotland minister who didn't have a strong political viewpoint. 'Most have quite a sophisticated political understanding. The thing is, most clergy don't express it publicly because they feel they have to pander to a flock of all colours. But privately, I would say the clergy are very politically aware. It's a very short step from religion to thinking about politics'. And apparently it also works in reverse: 'You would be surprised by how much politicians are motivated by religion'".
Gerald Warner, moaning in the Scottish Daily Mail about Virgin Trains: "This operator subjected me to an ordeal of a journey between London and Scotland recently, beginning with departure from Euston 15 minutes late, a locomotive breakdown at Bletchley, failure of the power lines around Oxenholme, retreat to Lancaster and transfer to an already full train on which we continued our journey north in conditions inferior to those enjoyed by yaks transported on the Trans-Siberian Railway. Altogether, I was on the train for 11 hours – people have been held hostage by terrorists for shorter periods. Now, compensation has arrived in the shape of three rail vouchers, worth a total of £45. The snag is, no change can be given for them. So now I have to find three destinations to which the return fares are exactly £20, £13 and £12. Thank you, Sir Richard". Oh, sweet justice! Guess who owns 49% of Virgin Trains? Why, Geraldine's hero, Mr 'Keep the Clause' himself: Brian Souter. To think what Geraldine gave in support of Souter's campaign to retain Section 2a! That alone must've been worth more than forty-five quid's worth of travel vouchers, surely?
Katie Grant's response in Scotland on Sunday when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. "It is not a question of which I myself have any experience. At my convent school in the 1970s it was just 'wife or nun'. To suggest that you would rather be the Prime Minister than marry the Prime Minister would have resulted in being sent not to the careers guidance teacher (there wasn't one) but to the confessional box".
