Porn Again! The Scottish Mail screamed: ''Nurse who surfed Net for gay porn is back on duty''. He was caught ''even taking part in homosexual Internet 'chatrooms''. Now I'd find it hard to find any gay man who hadn't done such a thing, let alone a male nurse! And with gays the backbone of the caring industry, I would politely suggest the Scottish Mail puts up and shuts up! The married father was caught amusing himself whilst supervising a psychiatric ward. Its his timing I question, not his morals. The Scottish Mail begged to differ and was astonished his licence wasn't revoked. The story was cleverly juxtaposed with ''Bay City pervert in rights plea'', after former Bay City Rollers drummer Derek Longmuir was also discovered working as a nurse again.
I imagine The Scotsman's Linda Watson-Brown would have cheered the hundreds of protesters from various churches who sent 283 written objections and stormed a council meeting to stop Margaret McCracken from opening a sex shop in Ayr. Despite assurances that goods requiring a licence would be kept at the back, no entry would be given to anyone under 21 and the windows - as required by law - would be completely blacked out, the Licensing Board refused to give Ms McCracken a licence. One tearful woman claimed her son had become addicted to pornography, changing and distorting his personality until he had become ''sinful''. A minister advised that sex was God's gift to loving couples and allowed them to express their love in a caring way within marriage. An elderly lady, describing herself as a born-again Christian lectured the Board for five minutes on the state of their ''immortal souls'' before promising them: ''I'll pray for you. I'll pray that you'll be saved from this evil''. Linda Watson-Brown, who regularly occupies a choice site on The Scotsman's opinion page holds dear, privileged, censorious views that cut easily across human liberties and valid forms of sexual expression. The frumpish anti-porn campaigner admits: ''I don't have a problem with censorship...''
Advertising the controversial Scottish Women Against Pornography website Watson-Brown begs: ''Can I really justify writing about this again? Too damn right I can''. (Sound of more Scotsman readers jumping ship...)! And if you find it hard to make your voices heard or if you have any information ''about the tentacles the sex industry has into other areas, let me know. I am still receiving letters about last year's WH Smith campaign maybe it's time for another'', she adds excitedly. ''If you mail details to me (lwbrown@scotsman.com), I will compile an information sheet for readers who want to know just what their magazine company is producing besides recipes...''
With her usual crusading zeal, Watson-Brown insists, ''many Scotsman readers are extremely nice, and I have evidence to prove it''. (She should read the e-mails sent to the Scottish Media Monitor)! ''They are also jolly good at taking up some of the many crusades which get suggested in this page... In the past week, I have had letters telling me that a major car manufacturer has defended the use of naked women on its calendars as 'a bit of fun to brighten up the day... And WH Smith has still not replied to more than one angry complainant asking how our favourite porn-peddler is allowed to get away with sponsoring so many education events and children's competitions. This, I'm sorry to say, is par for the course. Don't give up, and keep me informed. Good luck!'' She's absolutely barking! You! Off my planet! On Mothers' Day she wrote: ''Those in their 'better years' will discover that they live in a world where young men rape old women as a matter of course''. And advised: ''If the parents... really want to protect their children, they - like many others - could start by throwing away the Britney Spears CDs...'' And, in the bottomless pit of Linda Watson-Brown's don't-do-this and don't-do-thats was a sexy movie starring Bridget Jones. Apparently, according to her, your money would be better spent on ''a couple of Jane Austen originals and a big bar of chocolate''.
Rattling collecting cans during Comic Relief soon had our priggish porn-seeker lengthening her skirt. Watson-Brown was ''alarmed'' by ''very young women in our city centres wandering along in schoolgirl and nurses' uniforms, adorned with suspenders and stockings, shaking collecting tins and asking complete strangers for money... It is a disgrace'' she sniffed. Her ignorance of male sexuality astounds me! The barmy feminist experienced ''a real feeling of grubbiness... Do we really need to hear dozens of penis and breast jokes before we are willing to send financial aid to people who do not even know whether they will see tomorrow?'' The marriage-hungry Scotsman columnist Martin Clarke (nιe editor of the Record) wrote: ''...I am extremely bored with having the BBC's corporate halo shoved down my throat''. (Bored? Can I just say the words 'Clause 28')? Clarke was ''looking like the only misanthrope in Britain who wishes a pox... on Comic Relief...'' Still as brutish as ever, he remarked: ''If Lenny Henry really wants to make a contribution to the underprivileged he could put his wife on a diet and pay off the national debt of a small African nation with the money he saves on cream cakes and those Terry's Chocolate Oranges she advertises. Incidentally, do they pay her cash for that or just send round a lorry-load once a month?'' (No, he's yet to make me laugh yet, either)!
Section 28 finally got a stake through its heart this month. And while the space station Mir was hurtling towards Earth and Foot and Mouth spread to new countries, the Scottish Daily Mail had nothing better to fill its front-page with than: ''MARRIAGE U-TURN IN NEW SEX GUIDE FOR SCHOOLS''. They appeared convinced ''the Scottish Executive says it will place far stronger emphasis on the benefits of marriage than expected in the advice to teachers... Ministers had previously decided the new guidance would not place strong emphasis on the importance of marriage. However, after talks with Cardinal Thomas Winning, leader of Scotland's Roman Catholics, Education Minister Jack McConnell ordered a rethink''. Couldn't see much evidence of that. Marriage was still no better off! Behind the breast-beating, the Mail quoted Church groups and 'family values' campaigners with whom they are sadly joined at the hip admitting it was only a ''partial climbdown'' and insisted; ''the concessions do not go far enough''. Father Joe Chamber, of the Catholic Education Commission told them: ''...There is definitely room for improvement here''. Cardinal Winning's spokesman struggled to put a brave face on it. The press kept referring to Brian Souter leaving it up to ''others'' to comment. Those ''others'' turned out to be the extreme militant group, the Christian Institute who claimed they had examples of material that could slip through the guidance. The Scottish Daily Mail dutifully carried the story on the front-page the next day: ''PUPILS' SEX GUIDE SHOCK''. This was described as a ''new twist''. But it wasn't. It was an all too familiar stroke pulled by religionists. The Primary School Sex and Relationship Pack, approved by the Executive and already widely used taught kids the appropriate answer to words they were already familiar with in the playground. Shocking words like 'lesbian'! The answer to that baffling conundrum was: 'A woman who has a sexual relationship with another woman'. The editorial went delirious. ''Children as young as nine are being taught how to use condoms; told to write stories about lesbian families; contraception 'kits' are to be demonstrated to them by teachers; and detailed descriptions of homosexual sex (formerly banned under Section 28) feature in the education 'pack'.'' After just one sniff of smelling salts, the tabloid was back up and trawling through the new guidance looking for Marriage. ''Although it mentions marriage three times, it does not give it any preference...'' With the battle cry going up amongst religionists for extra vigilance against the end of society as we know it, the Mail issued a clear warning: ''Parents are now in the front line as regards monitoring what their children are taught in school as sex education''.
Just such vigilance came in the shape of The Scotsman's latest assignation with popularism in a desperate struggle to survive. It begs me to ask whether now might be the time to do the decent thing? On the day Section 2a popped its clogs, they pounced on a ''pervert's primer'' that ''reads like the lurid index of a pornographic magazine''. (And no, this wasn't their Linda Watson-Brown)! With echoes of the Daily Record's support for Keep the Clause and we all know what that did to its circulation - the editorial declared ''a line has been crossed'' which was ''all too obvious to every parent''.Healthwise's out-of-print publication Taking Sex Seriously was not intended to be handed out to children, but to sex education teachers, hardly something that was made abundantly clear with such headers as: ''Do you want your child to be exposed to this?'' They listed sexual activities that were common currency in most school playgrounds today. Amongst them, anal intercourse, using sexual toys, S&M, partner swapping, kissing, fellatio... Whilst The Scotsman only just stopped short of supporting the retention of Section 28 - something they had fought so hard against under former editors - Healthwise was labelled ''controversial'', and a sorry shower of militant religious extremists were lined up by reporter Kate Foster and Andrew Denholm in condemnation. Valerie Riches of Family and Youth Concern said: ''This is exactly why we are trying to keep the clause and why it shouldn't have been repealed in Scotland. Some of the acts listed are clearly of a homosexual nature''. Michael Willis of Parent Truth Campaign ''who fought against the repeal of the clause'' gasped: ''...Modesty, commonsense and decency are being eroded away''. Danny McLoughlin promised this wouldn't be used in Catholic schools before regretting ''there are parts of the country where there is no provision for Catholic education''. Phil Gallie for the Tory's said: ''Sex education should be about the human body and reproduction''. An unnamed SNP spokesman called the material ''inappropriate'' and even that moral Toilet Duck, the Christian Institute's Colin Hart declared he would let parents know about ''the condom demonstrations, the gay sex lessons and the general lack of any sense of decency''. (They had already picked out the best bits of Taking Sex Seriously and sent it to 2,000 churches and run off a report to all the Scottish MPs and MSPs). This was a major coup for the religionists now Section 2a had been abolished since they see public vigilantism as the only way forward in getting their poisonous message across.
Preparing to throw everything in the lap of recalcitrant sex education teachers, in a section labelled ''commonsense'', The Scotsman's education editor, Seonag Mackinnon blamed teachers: ''British young people are among the worst in the industrialised world at reading and writing''. She pointed to the ''fringes'' of sex education which the Christian Institute were apparently not before blaming Britain's high rate of teenage pregnancy on a liberal sex education programme that had not even started! The editorial fumbled in the dark for the light switch. ''Sex education was introduced in schools to guide the young in childbirth and in the basics of sexual behaviour in the context of stable and loving relationships. The latest proposals, spanning discussion of sadism, sexual toys, multiple partnering and tying up, can lay no claim to such a justification''. But quite apart from the fact this would have been up to the teacher to decide if such issues needed to be addressed, why not? Art, love, emotion, feeling are also valid expressions of sexuality interacting with sexual play. God forbid that sex should ever be reduced to the perfunctory and mechanical that some moral conservatives and this editor want to promote. The editorial squealed: ''It treats all activities as equal and equivalent... It raises those activities that degrade human beings and treat them as no more than sexual objects for the infliction of pain and abuse to the level of normalcy''. I wonder what part of the word 'education' is not understood here? I cannot imagine any sex education teacher answering questions on S&M permitting it to be used as a tool to seriously degrade a partner or anyone confessing such interests in a way that might provoke concern going unchallenged. It is bad enough that the insidious phrase ''the promotion of homosexuality'' casts teachers aside as unlikely corrupters of young children, what is worse is that this whole debate - which has nothing to do with the educational challenge of sex education or the needs of pupils has become a way in which sex education is being used to address the anxieties of an adult society unable to cope with the realities of adolescent sexuality.
After the kept clause had breathed its last, The Scotsman had a new friend, and called on PR boss Jack 'Keep the Clause' Irvine to lecture Sophie Wessex on PR and her ''fundamental mistakes''. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the same Mr Irvine that organised a press conference to announce a string of famous backers that well... didn't! And ran a £2million campaign promising us to keep the clause? Think about it.
Martin Clarke's passion for Section 28 as former editor of the Daily Record is, of course, legendary. He huffed: ''As the long awaited replacement for Section 28, the Scottish Executive unveils new 'non-judgmental' sex education guidelines which put every relationship on an equal moral footing and suggest only that some groups, such as churches, still think marriage is important. Which is rather like telling kids some people still think smashing up a bus shelter is a bit off''. I only hope his wife finds him more interesting between the sheets than I do! Whatever this Scottish Mail/Scotsman columnist is: He's no writer! His clumsy rendering of a soap based around Holyrood is grim, unimaginative and humourless. Absolute fanny in other words! But should we expect flair, imagination and inspiration from someone who depends so much on the reassuring structures of religious dogma?
At over a hundred years old, no one should be surprised to find the Daily Record with senile dementia, seemingly forgetting the part it played in the Section 28 debacle. ''Opposition from the churches and sections of the public has damaged the Executive. So they have been very careful in the framing of the new guidelines''. No, the Daily Record is not the disgusting tabloid it was under the hated Martin Clarke but it still has a long way to go. They need to take a moment to look at their watches! It is now the 21st century and they still ban ads from lesbian, gay, bisexual and people of transgender. Michael Barrymore's erratic behaviour and split with his partner had Katrina Tweedie suggesting: ''The comic is now in danger of seriously jeopardising the unique and special rapport he enjoys with fans who haven't been too bothered by his campness and quirkiness so far. They have always understood that a genius of Barrymore's proportions has flaws it goes with the curse of boundless talent. But his increasing bouts of drunkenness and seedy escapades are on the verge of mockery by the entertainer who on stage portrays wholesome family life to children and pensioners''. Yes, love. And so did Freddie Starr!
Two big stars in the Section 28 Scottish soap were up to collect their awards. Wendy Alexander and Cardinal Thomas Winning. The Channel Four documentary, Witness (Vatican Man) profiling Cardinal Winning was so profoundly dishonest I wondered how on Earth it managed to get aired. Much was made of the fact the Catholic voice was not being heard, which left me wondering if I'd slept through the Section 28 debacle. The focal point for gay issues centred round the 'marriage' of two gay women. Despite this not being the preferred model of most gays, much of the moral stance of Catholic dogma swirled around this gay couple. The documentary showed the 'serious' concerns of the religionists against a backdrop of drag queens and gays complete with devil's horns dancing at Manchester's Mardi Gras. Maybe I should pull a director and get us some time on Scottish TV? How about interviewing Tim Hopkins about the role of the Catholic Church in the repeal of Section 28 against a backdrop of sectarian violence in Northern Ireland?
No minister has ever been so maligned as Wendy Alexander! She was rated top Scottish parliamentarian by Channel Four last year, but promptly dropped the bloody thing when she got to Heathrow! The knives have been out ever since! In the Sunday Mail's list of Scotland's most powerful women, they wrote: ''She did not make the best of starts as an MSP, when her evangelical determination to obliterate Section 28, which bans the promotion of homosexuality in schools, caused her to fall victim to a backlash against the move''. Evangelical determination? Riiiight! And Brian Souter's queer as a red Kicker! Ex-Daily Record editor Martin Clarke in the Scottish Daily Mail bitched: ''Henry McLeish told prospective American tourists not to worry about the 'little problem' they may have heard we've been having here in Scotland. Seems a remarkably casual way to dismiss Wendy Alexander to me''. To the conservative elements across all parties in Scotland wee Wendy is a dangerous woman. And she is getting very close to the position of becoming a First Minister. There has been a catalogue of smears that culminated in her turning down Henry McLeish's offer of the water portfolio. McLeish's adviser, Peter McMahon, making the announcement public before she had even been informed, didn't help. She was already doing more work than McLeish with less staff and quite rightly blew the whistle. Don't forget she also has the job of running Labour's election campaign in Scotland! She has every right to be pissed off with an Executive of some very strong women doing all the hard work while weak men brief the press against them. But this is a woman, so instead of a matter of principal it became a ''tantrum'' from a ''bossy'' woman with a ''petulant manner''. According to Wilson's Week in the Sunday Mail, ''Wendy threw a tantrum at the prospect of having to justify Labour's soaring water taxes. She stamped and puffed and hollered so loud Henry backed down''. Shortly after, 39-year-old civil servant, Andrew Baird who had previously worked with Sir Malcolm Rifkind was moved to another department over an apparent inability to work with her. According to the Scottish Mail, she would ''frequently nag him to work to her rules''.
As you read this, preparations are being made to sail two tall ships into Greenock, fly astronaut Don Lind over from the USA and some young dancers from Utah. Big deal, you say! This follows the appointment of a husband and wife team from Arizona to launch a charm offensive across Scotland to increase the membership of the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints. The Mormons. Along with the Catholics they raised over $10million to support a measure that would outlaw the recognition of gay marriages in California. But they are not over here to simply recruit, you understand. Oh no, nothing so vulgar. They will be forging links with local groups and councils, cleaning up playgrounds and painting community centres. With a record 300,000 increase in membership last year, money shouldn't be too much of a problem for them. So it was then, with some suspicion, I read Ann Gloag's PR offensive in The Scotsman and The Herald and surprise, surprise, the Scottish Daily Mail. Let me remind you who this lady is. Despite a rise in homophobic harassment, bullying and violence never before witnessed in Scotland, she helped her brother, Brian Souter bankroll the Keep the Clause campaign, covering Scotland in homophobic posters. Her cruel and ruthless business methods are already well documented. Her own son, a sensitive lad by all accounts, committed suicide at the age of 28. This PR exercise, (her PR man is none other than Jack ''slobbering old queers'' Irvine) was about the good work done by the Mercy Ships charity. Not about Ann Gloag, of course. Oh, no! Of course not! Behind the attention-seeking pictures of her lifting up sick babies and deformed children, this was the woman who swaddled 'innocent wee kiddies' in Keep the Clause propaganda and pushed them to the front of demos. The PR exercise on the good work of Ann Gloag had not only Scotland's broadsheets cooing, but Jill Main, standing in for Old Mother Burnie in the Daily Record, the wife of Herald editor, Colette Douglas Home in the Scottish Mail and even the Kirsty Wark Show! Oh, generous woman! Richer than the Queen by some estimates, she reached into her purse and pulled out a measly £4million for a new Mercy Ship. She wants you to raise the other £15million. Jim Beth's feature in The Scotsman followed Ms Gloag and her Versace suits, pearls and painted nails through Benin in Africa. Having twice travelled through darkest Malawi, home of some of the Souter/Gloag worldwide business interests, I know the mark religion has made in that part of Africa. The Texas-based Mercy Ships mission with the former House of Lords adviser to ex-Tory PM John Major, Lord Ian McColl heading the charity in the UK and Gloag on the international board it lists their service to God before everything else. Although surgeons on board do not perform operations on HIV patients, claiming it could accelerate their deaths, the charity does outreach work in communities by building clinics and centres for sexual health education. ''The medics believe it is too easy to be sidelined by the AIDS problem. The virus has killed 20 million Africans in 18 years. Every year, the same number die from dirty water, bad sanitation, malaria and tuberculosis''.
Religionists! Who needs them! After best Bish Richard Holloway named Peter Tatchell, Tommy Sheridan and others as icons of Christ, The Scotsman cornered a militant religionist of no particular importance - a certain Dr Adrian Rogers of his self-styled Family Focus group - for his opinion. Err... Why?
Homophobic? I was probably not alone in being slightly miffed at the Sunday Mail's handling of Radio One DJ, Scott Mill's 'coming out'. ''Mills joins Elton John, Pet Shop Boys singer Neil Tennant, Boyzone star Stephen Gately and Michael Barrymore, who have all admitted being gay''. So bloody what!
A rather flushed 15-year-old lad wrote to the Daily Record's agony aunt, Old Mother Burnie: ''I have been looking through men's magazines and masturbating. I know I will probably go to hell, but I can't help it. I am too embarrassed to confess. It's not the sort of thing you could ever tell a priest. My big cousin has told me that I will have seriously damaged myself... I wish I was dead''. A joy rag or Joan? He wiped up with the latter! ''There's hardly a man who hasn't behaved in a very similar way at your age... Nor can you harm yourself'', she advised. At what point exactly does this nubile young thing; enjoying a right-hand shandy, turn into a disgusting and vile pornographer? Talk me through it, Joan...!
CUT IT OUT!
PR columnist for The Scotsman, Piers D'ιere on the launch of Brian Souter's fleet of open-top tour buses through New York: ''He dresses appallingly, giggles like a girlie, and mouths off cheerily about everything from gay marriage to low emission engines''.
Donald Campbell of the Scottish Amateur Boxing Association in the Scottish Sun on women boxers at Queen Margaret's Amateur Boxing Club in Dunfermline: ''The only women we have involved in the sport at the moment are in its administration. I'd be more grateful if they came along and helped that way''.
Tom 'Brigadier' Brown in the Daily Record: ''Must dash. I've seen this darling pair of marcasite drop earrings''.
Colonel Sir Tommy Macpherson in the Sunday Mail on claims Field Marshall Montgomery was gay: ''To suggest that this had a sexual connotation is balderdash and an insult to a great soldier''.
Adam Lee-Potter in the Scottish Mail on the opinion of residents of Kilry of the former Kirk minister Helen Percy who ran off with a married man: ''The scandalised parishioners... declared Miss Percy as a witch amid tales that she preached in her nightdress...''
Fatima Katie Grant on Sam Galbraith in Scotland on Sunday: ''He simply suggested that the greatest contribution to politics made by the erstwhile minister for children and education was the introduction of the distinctly unparliamentary word ''bollocks'' to the debating chamber.
The prudish Diary in The Herald found ''a taxi with the most darling pink and lilac livery. It advertises something that we won't publicise''.
Ricky Martin's girlfriend is fed up of being asked if Ricky's gay. Ally Ross in the Scottish News of the World asks: ''Why? Is he a bender or something?'' I dunno, but how come you're lying across your couch with a stiffy, Ally?
Ally Ross (again) on a Ricky Martin look-a-like on TV's Stars In Your Eyes: ''Ricky Martin gave an awful poof-homance''.
Martin Clarke on the Krays in The Scotsman: ''...The twins' old associates appeared to realise they'd been conned by a pair of self-obsessed, psychopathic closet-queens''.
Dr Adrian Rogers in The Scotsman on Peter Tatchell: ''A very unpleasant, unruly homosexual''. Oh, Adie, that was soooo yesterday!
